Ocean
Watch
Monday, April 20, 1998
20,000 leagues under
the sea of dreamland
PEOPLE often ask me if I have trouble thinking up
things to write about in this column.
"Almost never," I tell them. "I always
have something to say about the ocean."
Well, almost always. Although it's rare, sometimes I
just can't zero in on any particular topic. Then, I spend hours gazing at
the ocean from my North Shore office and indulging myself in marine writer
fantasies.
"Susan, we here at National Geographic were hoping
we could interest you in joining our team on a dive trip to the
Seychelles. Your writing style is perfect for the article we're planning.
You will? Oh, thank heaven! Book a first-class seat. Here's our credit
card number."
"After reading your eye-opening articles on seal
penises and sea horses, the World Health Organization has decided to fund
a series of randomized, double-blinded studies on the efficacy of animal
remedies used in traditional Chinese medicine. The results will be
published in journals throughout the world."
"What an inspired way to conserve marine life and
promote tourism at the same time, Ms. Scott. As committee chairperson in
the Hawaii House of Representatives, I pass this bill to make the waters
off Waikiki an underwater park."
"Dear Susan, Jeff and Beau want to thank you for
remembering their father, Lloyd, so fondly. In tribute to him, we're
making a modern 'Sea Hunt' movie and plan to film it in Waialua. Could you
look over the screenplay for us? We sure could use your help on the set!
S. Spielberg."
"Your recent marine medical book 'All Stings
Considered' has been awarded the Booker Prize! Yes, this prestigious
British award usually goes only to novels and never to Americans, but the
judges felt your book was so extraordinary, they made an exception.
Cheerio, eh?"
"After reading about the plight of our dwindling
Hawaiian monk seals, an anonymous donor from China has given Hawaii's Monk
Seal Recovery Team a research grant for $10 million."
"The owner of the abandoned gillnet that killed
five sea turtles on the North Shore has turned himself in. He feels so
terrible about these senseless deaths -- he is launching legislation to
ban all gillnets in Hawaii."
"Willy is free."
"Please accept my apology, Susan, for cursing you
at Kaena Point Nature Preserve the day you reminded me that my dog
shouldn't be out there. I never saw those albatross chicks until it was
too late! I feel so bad that my dog wen ate 'em that I'm now a volunteer
ranger at the park."
"Susan, we're sorry we broke into your car so many
times at those trailheads. We felt so awful about taking advantage of
people out enjoying nature, we are now in the trail-building and
-maintenance business. It's not as lucrative as stealing but more
rewarding."
"Because your guide to Hanauma Bay so enlightened
us during our last snorkeling trip there, Hillary, Chelsea and I would
like you to accompany us during our upcoming vacation to Hawaii. Aloha,
Bill."
"Dear Susan, Just wanted you to know that since
your column has been on the Internet, it sure brightens our Mondays here
at Buckingham Palace. And, boy, do we need it. You sure make Hawaii sound
great, especially those stories about sponges! Sincerely, Charles."
"Dear Ms. Scott, Because you've been such a loyal
customer through the years, we are sending you, as a gift, a laptop
computer with a revolutionary 5,000-megahertz chip. This new model is so
fast, it will write your columns for you! Go snorkeling. Toshiba."
"Boy, how time flies, Susan! We editors at the
Star-Bulletin didn't realize you've been churning out these columns for 11
whole years now. We're going to give you a big, fat pay raise."
